b Papa Dog's Blog: Special Bonus Song Parody Post

Papa Dog's Blog

A Thing Wherein I Infrequently Write Some Stuff

Monday, August 30, 2004

Special Bonus Song Parody Post

A couple few years ago, Mama Dog and I started getting into what we like to call “fogart” music (if Bogey = Bogart, then fogy = fogart), exemplified by pop vocals from the thirties and forties. The Mills Brothers remain a particular favourite, but we also had a brief vogue for Bing Crosby. Sometime during this mini-craze, I found myself for the first time actually listening to the lyrics of “Don’t Fence Me In.” (I'd put a link for an MP3 here, but I'm too much of a fogart to know how to find a free one.) I guess I’d heard the song a few hundred times since childhood, in movies and whatnot, but had never paid enough attention to really hear the words. When I did, it struck me that this song expressed an attitude unerringly opposite to my own in virtually every particular. I started to compose a little response in my head. Where Bing (or, more accurately, Cole Porter, who wrote the song) says “Give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above,” I’d say, “Give me walls, good thick walls, with a solid roof above.” Little by little over the years I came up with increments of a song parody. Today, I’m happy to share with you the final fruits of yet another waste of my time. Here is:

The Agoraphobe’s Request (Please Lock Me In)

Oh, give me walls,
Good thick walls and a solid roof as well,
Please lock me in.
Stop the rays
With a baize curtain blocking solar hell
Please lock me in.
I feel fucked when I’m stuck
Out in open spaces.
I wanna stay home
Where I don’t see no traces
Of dirt, plants, or bugs
Or of strangers’ faces;
Please lock me in.
Just let me lie on
My recliner, nothing’s finer
Than a quiet little nap.
In the outdoors
I won’t tarry, it’s too scary,
And besides it’s a deathtrap.
I want to stay on the couch
Where I can reach my beverage
If I’m outside
I just might lose my leverage
If it weren’t so goddamn hot
I might go make a sandwich*
Please lock me in.
* Pronounced “sendwidge.” Okay, you come up with a second rhyme for “beverage.”


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