b Papa Dog's Blog: 26 Pickup Lines that Probably Wouldn't Work (and Would be Cause for Worry if They Did)

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

26 Pickup Lines that Probably Wouldn't Work (and Would be Cause for Worry if They Did)

Reaching back in the dim recesses of memory for the times when I was single and desperate, I present for your consideration – 26 pickup lines that probably wouldn’t work too well getting you laid down the pub.

1. Is it itchy in here or is it just me?
2. Well, you’re kinda hefty, but I’m pretty hard up, so how about it?
3. You wouldn’t happen to have a hacksaw on you, would you? These leg manacles are chafing.
4. Tell you what – I’ve got to go to the bathroom and shoot up with this borrowed needle, but if you watch my seat for me, I’ll let you have unprotected sex with me.
5. I see you have a moustache. I have a moustache too.*
6. Hey, you look just like this broad I used to bang.
7. Hi, you look like a person who has low standards.
8. Has anybody ever told you you look just like Wally Shawn?**
9. I gather from your banal pleasantries and slack-jawed gaze that you lack much in the way of cognitive functions. Mind if I take advantage of your genetic deficiencies?
10. Hey, could you help me find my contact lens? I think it’s in my underwear.
11. Have you thought about Jesus today?
12. I can’t get over it. It’s uncanny. When you open your eyes wide like that, you look just like my mother having an orgasm.
13. Did your friend leave? Do you think she liked me? No? Well, okay, I guess I’ll talk to you instead. What’s your name again?
14. You ain’t one of them dames has to have an opinion about everything, are ya?
15. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you press it against me? Wait, no, let me start over….
16. You’re a Scorpio? Cool! They’re sluts, right?
17. Aye, sure’n you put me to mind of the wee ones who helped dress me for mass before I got defrocked.
18. Hi, my name’s R___ R___.***
19. Okay, I’m drunk enough now. Let’s so back to your place.
20. Say, what detergent do you think is best for removing pus stains?
21. I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking “It would just be a pity fuck.” But I’m okay with that!
22. Ever done it in a dumpster?
23. See, the thing is my wife, she just doesn’t understand me. Oh, hi, honey.
24. I may look like nobody right now, but just wait – this guy in Nigeria’s emptying out a government bank account for me.
25. So here’s the thing, Mattress – mind if I call you “Mattress?”
26. Hi. I collect comic books.
*Actually not a terrible line, just a boring yet slightly strange one if you assume a male seeking male scenario; in all other permutations, though, it spells certain failure.

**Might actually work on Wally Shawn.

***Name concealed in the interest of avoiding costly litigation. Those in the know can probably fill in the blank. Hint: he’s not ashamed of his nakedness but really should be. The rest of you can just assume (correctly) that I’m taking an unnecessarily cruel but kind of funny jab at a despised acquaintance who probably won’t ever see this.


Anonymous violet crumble said...

More lines, but from a woman...

- If you get me drunk enough, I'll take out my glass eye so that you can fuck the socket.

- Wanna come over and listen to my new Peter Frampton album?

- Let's hurry up and do it tonight while my herpes is still in remission.

9:01 PM  
Blogger RachelleCentral said...

On a blind date, first date, with someone, my girlfriend took this guy back to her apartment, at which point he leaned close to her and said, "I've got something to tell you....I've got public lice."

And they hadn't even started kissing! Talk about too much information.

4:45 AM  
Blogger Brownstein said...

See, the problem, Violet Crumble, is that those lines would work on your average man hunting in bars. I've endured more than enough Dave Matthews in my time in the interest of getting laid, so Peter Frampton would be taking the same bullet. And I'm sure that there are many dudes out there who find the skullfucking you describe on the list of strange but cool sexual deviations that they can brag about later. Herpes is a personal thing every person must figure out for himself, but many men would apply these two equations: rubber/potential herpes = getting laid vs. abstinence/potential herpes = Cinemax & Lotion.

7:53 AM  

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